This is why I'm not a Photographer

As of press time, I’m still alive. Not that it’s important or game changing or something, but it’s a fact. If I will summarize my 2020 experience, I mean on a personal level, as close to bare metal as possible, it is that “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”. I know, I know, how dare me?! Right? But 2020 has been my best adult year and that says a lot. I gain a lot of weight resources, knowledge, skills, self awareness and just personal growth in general. It highlighted how determined, motivated, mature, lazy, inconsistent, undetermined, unmotivated, immature and nonchalant (in both ways) I am.

After developing this site around 2016 - 2018, I got preoccupied in 2019 with my new job and just tossed this “web-dev hobby” thing; It has been a roller coaster ride since. It is both the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and also a mixed bag of emotions, mental and physical exhaustion that I have never felt in my adult life, with the exception of my teenage years because we all know, tEeNagE years are the real deal.

After the honeymoon period of 2019 was over, it has been really rough personally to say the least. Overworked, lack of sleep, high expectations and underwhelming output were grinding my gears. I think that year was best summarized one night; while trying my best to go home as soon as possible after a four (4) hour (typical, no big deal) overtime on a Tuesday night. I’m on the public transportation terminal when I twisted my ankle so badly that I fell to the ground. I mean, I twisted my ankle a lot of times when I was still playing ball but that felt different, if I was a Doctor and I was asked to describe it, my diagnosis will be: an “emotional high ankle sprain”. It was so painful that my eyes are teary and resentment, pity, anger, frustrations, just evil thoughts circle my head. I restored my sanity and came back to my senses and just wickedly grinned and just laughed it off. During that night, I just told myself: there’s no way in hell that any other soul sucking stuff can top this day. Yeah. Right.

Then 2020 happened. A lot of free time, no concrete plans. I made the best of the early lockdown days to get back to the things that I did before and other stuff that I always wanted to do. I soon realized that I’m not good at trusting myself to do the things that I promised myself to do. I just played video games all day to the point that I don’t even want to play video games anymore. My fitness and workout plans can be compared to some road widening projects by the government, unfinished after all the inconvenience. But just the fact that I don’t need to wake up early was the gift of 2020 to me. I made sure all the sleep I lost in 2019 was paid in full in 2020, with interest.

And then reality began to get back on its knees and creep in, I have to report back to work. uNfOrTuNaTeLy, my home address was so far away from work and with the travel restrictions, they have no choice but to arrange a Work-from-Home setup for me. I really enjoyed the WFH setup, I have been longing for that since my unemployment days. Fast forward a few months, some restrictions were lifted a little bit and It’s inevitable that I have to go back to site. I never felt the inconvenience of restrictions until I tried to commute to work and then back home. Everyday.

Fast forward again a few more months and here we are, 2021. I, personally, feel better and stronger and cringy. Restrictions and regulations are now second nature. Expectations are more rational. And by the way, the “web-dev hobby” thing that I barely touched in 2020, is starting to itch again. I just hope it turns out better this time.